a quirk about splurging

I’ve noticed something about myself. And yet, even though I now recognize this in me and should have figured out how to handle it by now, I still do it constantly. (In fact, I’m literally in the middle of this exact quirk as I write this - hence why I’m thinking about it right now.)

Let’s say I decide to splurge a little and buy myself a specific something - a book perhaps. $20 or so. I drive down to the store (or find it online, if my local store doesn’t have it - please support brick and mortar, people).

So there I am, holding the book in my hands at the store or staring at it in my shopping cart online. This is it: the thing I’ve decided to splurge on and buy for myself; the thing I really, really want right now (even if my sudden urge to have it is inexplicable - which it usually is).

But now that it’s right here at my fingertips, ready to be bought, I think, But you know, if I’m going to spend $20, is this really the thing I want the most for that price? 

Notice what happened there: suddenly I’ve decided that I have $20 to spend - it’s no longer splurging at this point; it’s just an extra $20 I’ve magically decided that I have. And I need to make sure I use it on just the right thing.

So I look around the store/website more, think about all the other things I could get for roughly $20. I come up with three, four, five other choices.

Oh, and what about the thing I was looking at last month that was right about $20? - I mean, I wanted it then, so surely I must still want it now. (I don’t.)

Ooh, and what’s this? - the sale section? My magical $20 would go a long way if I bought something from here instead of just that one book at full price. Maybe I could even get two books with my $20.

Well shoot. Now I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Better not buy anything until I’m sure I figure out the best way to use that $20 which totally isn’t fake at all. I’ll just have to research online to make sure I get exactly the right $20ish thing - or set of things, if each is less than $20. I mean, it’d be a waste if I didn’t spend the whole $20.

Mind you, the first thing - the thing that took me to the store in the first place - is still the thing I want the most. It’s just not necessarily the most efficient thing for me to get. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know - gotta be careful with how we use it.

So I’ll bring Emily into the loop to get her take on it - even though she couldn’t care less what I buy with this imaginary $20. I mean, whatever I choose to buy is for me - what does she have to do with it?

Still, I bring her into my deliberation. And every time, her advice is precisely the same: Just get the thing you really want.

Yes, I wonder. But is that really the best thing to do with my completely real $20?

At this point, my predicament branches off into one of four directions, which I’ll list in order of least likely to most likely:

1. I realize that she’s right - if I’m going to spend money, it should at least be on the thing I want the most, rather than settling for what happens to be cheaper, or what seems like it just “makes the most sense” to buy. This outcome happens about 10% of the time.
2. I suddenly remember that I don’t actually have $20, so I buy nothing. This happens about 20% of the time. 
3. The thought crosses my mind that, really, if I’m going to spend money out of the blue like this, I ought to be nice and buy something for Emily or Emerson or Eden. That said, I get myself nothing, and buy a gift for one of them instead. There are actually two ways to consider the frequency of this outcome: 
1. This thought crosses my mind about 20% of the time. So there’s that.
2. When this thought does cross my mind, though, I know I’ll feel guilty if I don’t spend the money on one of them. And so, if the thought crosses my mind at all, there’s a roughly 95% chance I’m going to follow through with it. (The other 5% being that I decide to do nothing with the hypothetical money.)
4. I go against Emily’s advice and settle on something else cheaper or “more efficient,” even though it’s not the thing I really want, and even though I know I’m just going to stick it on the shelf and not read/play with/listen to it. But hey - it’s efficient, I think. This is the outcome about 50% of the time.

But it’s not that simple. (I imagine you’re thinking, That was simple?) For example, time of year has an impact on the decision making, as well.

Christmas is in three days. So now I’m thinking, I mean, Christmas is right around the corner. I shouldn’t be spending any money on myself. If nothing else, I should at least wait to see what I’m getting from other people. 

I counter this thought with, Easy - I’ll just make sure to get something that no one else would have thought to get me.

My brain is ready to keep debating, though. It says, Come to think of it, I might get some Christmas money or giftcards or something - might as well wait so that I can use those to buy The Thing instead of using this made-up $20.

Then I remind myself, Yes, but I have this $20 now which totally isn’t imaginary or hypothetical at all. So I can buy The Thing now, then use my Christmas money to buy another thing in a few days. 

Then I think, So that means I can buy The Thing I really want, and still get The More Efficient Thing That I Don't Really Want! Perfect! 

Then, Yes, but which should I get first?

So now I’m back to feeling overwhelmed and indecisive.

Oh, but here’s an idea! I think, Maybe I should use this $20 to buy something for Emily or Emerson or Eden instead. 

Then I think, Psh - they’re getting a bunch of stuff for Christmas in a few days anyway. 


Happy Christmas, friends!

When the Government Kidnaps Children

I've been trying for awhile to think about what I want to say about the whole children-being-separated-from-their-parents business. So here it goes: It's despicable. It's despicable that it's happening. It's despicable that so many of these so-called "pro-life" advocates aren't also pro-family. I had rather imagined that "pro-life" and "pro-family" go hand-in-hand. (I'm not talking about ALL pro-life advocates, of course. But you'll notice that every politician who supports these separations are quote-unquote "pro-life.") It's despicable that all the people who kept claiming, "No no! ALL lives matter!" don't actually believe that ALL lives matter. It's despicable that our president has literally, factually lied, saying this policy is leftover from the Obama administration. (Notice that this despicable act never happened under Obama. And if you want an explanation for this, here's a helpful article: https://www.npr.org/2018/06/20/621489166/family-separation-is-trumps-immigration-policy-here-s-why-he-won-t-own-it) It's despicable that Attorney General Jeff Sessions would attempt to defend this despicable act by using - actually misusing - a religious text. Any way you slice it, the Christian scriptures do not support the kidnapping of children by a government. That said, let me tell you a few things that the same religious text actually does say. I don’t say these things to be preachy. I say them to show how heinous it is that this entire ordeal is happening, how heinous it is that Sessions is trying to use a scripture to defend it, and how heinous it is that the political party which people most often associate with Christianity is the political party which is perpetrating these horrific, anti-Christian, anti-American atrocities: But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself (Leviticus 19:34) For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land. (Deuteronomy 15:11) I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. (Matthew 25:42-45) But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 19:14. One note: in this passage, by "Suffer" it means "Allow" - just in case that's not clear.)
These are just a few of the things that the Christian scriptures actually DO say. It's despicable that anyone would try to tell us otherwise in order to support a despicable political agenda, one which involves our government literally kidnapping children. I've never been so ashamed to be a U.S. citizen. I've never been so ashamed to have even loose associations with Christianity. Wake up, America. You're better than this. At least, you can be. And especially wake up, all you so-called "Christians" who support these despicable acts. You don't worship YHWH. You worship a plot of land.